I was in Hyderabad for the whole of last year. Working at Deloitte was an absolutely amazing experience. What this also meant is that for the whole of last year I was living at a place that is culturally very different from the part of the country that I hail from. Having spent a couple of decades in the eastern part of India I was pretty used to red tape and a slow-paced life. You always expected that your work would never get done on time. Deadlines were never met - neither by you nor by the people that you dealt with. Promises were never kept and no one ever put a premium on anyone's time. Things, however, turned out to be very different in Hyderabad and especially in a firm like Deloitte. Meetings always started on time and people expected that when you made a commitment, you would keep it! So when I quit my job at Hyderabad to head off to IIM Lucknow, I decided to spend a couple of weeks at home. And that's where I am right now.
So yesterday, I had to pay a visit to a government office in order to get a certificate which I need during the admission process at IIM. The official that I visited is called the 'Civil Surgeon' and it seems it really is a big deal to be a 'Civil Surgeon' in this part of the country. The eastern part of India has a huge obsession with government jobs. These jobs are certainly the most sought after. Probably because the private sector is not very active in this region. Also because a government job translates into millions in bribes that these officials pocket while making an example of the inefficiency and nepotism that the innards of India are known for. So off I went into the hellish confines of this dingy government office, hardly aware that the 'Civil Surgeon' in Jamshedpur would turn out to be anything but civil.
What i needed was a fitness certificate which stated that I am fit and healthy enough to be admitted into IIM. So I came armed with all my medical reports, brandishing them like an accomplishment that I was mighty proud of. Being used to getting things done super quick at a private firm, I thought the whole process would take me no longer than a few minutes. I was in for a rude shock. Well as soon as I went in, I realized that there was an army of subordinates sitting around and guarding the holy office of the big official. To my surprise I was told that the Civil Surgeon was a woman. I was happy to hear that, since I had heard a lot about how women in administration are far more efficient and far less corrupt. Little did I know that this view was to change.
So I was asked, rather curtly, by one of the many 'peons' at her majesty's beck and call what I was doing lingering around the office of his boss. I politely replied that I had come to get a certificate of fitness that was needed at IIM for the admission process. While I am pretty sure he did not understand 'IIM', the word 'certificate' thankfully registered with the blockhead and he ushered me into an ante room to speak with a certain clerk who transacted all the paperwork for her highness. The clerk examined my documents, contorted his dumb face into the most bewildering expression and then asked me to wait in front of the office to speak to 'madam'.
It's interesting how time slows down in these places. And time really is at a standstill in the millions of government offices in our great nation. While I testily waited for my turn to be called in, I ran my eyes around the office - stacks of papers and files everywhere, their pages gone yellow and the dog's ears at their corners bearing testimony to the decades they had spent within the sacred walls of this 'Sarkari' office. A number of trunks and rickety cupboards fit for the antique shop punctutated the rather depressing scene before me. There was no sign of a computer anywhere and the only electric equipment around the place was a bulb and a rusty ceiling fan that made a din as it miraculously rotated overhead without falling off. I was finally called in. Madam was busy scrutinizing papers related to God-knows-what. She didn't even look up through her glasses as the peon introduced me by mentioning the reason why I had ventured into her sacrosanct premises. Without flinching for a split-second she banished me back to her clerk. I had no idea why. Being used to treated with dignity and respect at a 'foreign' firm, I was visibly disappointed at being accorded this stepmotherly treatment.
However, I made my way back to the clerk and asked him what on earth I was supposed to do now. After endless prodding and pleading he revealed to me that I was supposed to write an application stating that I needed a fitness certificate. I was also to mention the purpose for which I required it and I needed to attach the documents that would support my (now failing) case. Of course. The application! How did I even expect to get anything done at The Government of India without a darned application! I cursed my naivete and sat down to do the needful. Then I waited.
After an hour of waiting and fretting, I finally decided to speak to the clerk. He frowned, probably amused by my impatience. I mean, who did I think I was, blundering into a holy government office expecting work to get done on time? Huh! After another round of prodding and pleading, he finally said something that made things a little clearer to me. Obviously I hadn't been watching enough of 'Office Office'. Her highness' hands needed lubrication. A crisp 500 Rs note always does the trick I was told. I was stumped.
Now all those Moral Science classes and long lectures by the morality brigade came flooding back into my mind. Wasn't I supposed to be an ideal citizen of this country and stop the bribe culture? For a moment I thought, who cares! Let all those high ideals go for a toss as long as I got my work done. In any case, I had waited enough. What difference could a single righteous action by a midget in the system like myself make? But then I thought, why not? What is the worst that could happen? These people could make me wait for an obscenely long time? I am jobless in any case. They can't beat me on patience. So I politely stepped away from the clerk's office and waited outside the surgeon's.
After another hour of cribbing, cursing and staring at the ceiling, I was finally invited inside. This time Madam had the grace to look me in the face. She got down to business immediately. She pointed out 10 different loopholes in my application and the supporting documents. She almost made me feel like a fraudster who was out to dupe her holy office. Then she said something to the effect of - 'Standing like a fool outside my office won't help'. Obviously I could do better. I could offer her a bribe. A bribe that she had almost asked for directly now. I was castled. Her highness had said it herself now. So I did the best thing that I could have done in that hellbender of a situation that I had been put into. I smiled.
I think that put her off really bad. Because then she signed my documents immediately. The dismayed clerk then had no option but to stamp the seal of the Civil Surgeon's office on my documents. I felt like a hero. I had got my work done. The Government of India had functioned without a bribe, albeit a little late. No mean achievement.
